I’d like to benefit those trying to lose weight by documenting all the ways that I’ve tried (and ultimately failed) at losing weight. I’ve tried it all so you don’t have to. Looking back at all the things I’ve tried, wasted money on and fell for makes me feel like SUCH A SUCKER. Please save yourself the money and learn from everything I’ve done. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone involved with any of the diets, organizations, products or MLM’s that I discuss below. These are purely my experiences and opinions.
Time Successful: < 1 day
I read an article that inspired me to try the “oldest weight loss trick in the book”. I’m not a scanner/food tracker and when I’m being a bad girl- I don’t want to track it and have a constant reminder. I don’t even think I had one successful day of tracking. I can’t say I fully committed to weight watchers though. Maybe I wasn’t in the right mindset, I don’t know. I only subscribed to the online version. But again, I’m not a tracker.
Time successful: 4 days
Keto is essentially a high fat, low carb diet that forces your body into fat burn mode, or ketosis. My friend from work was doing keto and I learned you can have cheese on it, so I was sold. I was travelling a ton for work and was packing lunches and doing well eating things like chicken salad cucumber boats and zucchini noodles with shrimp and butter. Since I only lasted 4 days, I don’t even know if I got into ketosis. I know there are a lot of healthy people who stick with keto but for me, it still didn’t feel clean which I suppose happens when I’m stuffing my face with butter and cheese.
Time successful: 5 days
Surprisingly, this one I was fairly successful at. Granted, I was a raging bitch for most of it and went to bed as soon as I got home from work- but hey, I lasted 5 whole days! We’ve always sort of been into juicing after watching Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead. I’d make the standard green juice for breakfast and found a great little juice spot close to work when we lived in Houston (Juicy in the Sky with Diamonds). They had one juice that I’d get for lunch that was like a gazpacho/bloody mary- AMAZING. They also had one with cayenne that was pretty fantastic as well. I was trying to make it 7 days on just juice. I made it 5 and my first meal afterwards was Steak n Shake. I didn’t even feel guilty because it was fantastic. I do feel guilty now upon reflecting on it though.
Recently I tried to juice cleanse again, I made it one meal and was starving by 11:00am.
Time successful: unknown
I’m not going to lie- this was back in college and I don’t remember how long I stuck to it but I’m still fat. My very close friend had extreme success on it and got me into Visalus. Looking back on it now, I think he was more successful at cutting his nightly beer habit and doing 2/days but that’s neither here nor there. Any diet that promotes shakes instead of food will likely be successful in the short term, but I like to eat and find them unsustainable.
Time successful: 10 days
This was a recent endeavor that I was super excited to try. Great marketing by teami, adorable products and believable promoters. I finally decided to try teami after seeing it all over instagram being promoted by a lot of people who had significant weight loss (talking like 80+ lbs lost). As most people familiar with teatoxes know, you definitely have to plan to be close to a bathroom within 8-15 hours after consuming the colon tea. After about 10 days (consuming colon tea every other day) I started getting pretty severe stomach pains, running to the bathroom constantly, bleeding…. No bueno. I started reading more reviews on teami filtering out all the positives. There were some pretty significant claims from people who were put in the hospital from this stuff. I will never try again, nor will I promote anyone else to try.
Time successful: pshhhhhh
Do y’all remember the Millionaire matchmaker promoting Sensa- the powder you sprinkle on your food that magically makes you eat less and lose weight? Anyways, I bought it. I’m ashamed I fell for it and I’m pretty sure they got sued.
Time successful: LOL
Just kidding… I fell for everything BUT this (even waist training). You can’t fool me with this one sly fox.
Time successful: 15 days
The 24 day challenge. All the fitness pros I follow on Instagram LOVE their advocare. So, like 8 days after starting advocare I brazenly decided I was going to climb a mountain. To put it into perspective, we were going to climb the tallest mountain in Colorado and I had been to the gym maybe 3 times that whole month. But sure, let’s go climb a mountain- while I’m on a diet…great. I stopped to pee a LOT which is likely the result of the caffeine in spark. Honestly, I saw advocare as an easy fix for my diet. Spark gives you energy! Fiber cleanse does what fiber does! All the products were temporary solutions to problems that could easily be fixed by putting the right shit in my body in the first place, which leads us to… The Whole 30 which I’ll get into in my next post.